I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I just pynch a tree in the face
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
