Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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