Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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