I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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