My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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