I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
