how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
