just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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