I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Randomize
