Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
