I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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