I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Randomize
