if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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