Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
