dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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