Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
