one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
