u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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