I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
