I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
