Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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