weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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