I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
is this the sara with the beer cane?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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