masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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