You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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