The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
