If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
