wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
