phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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