Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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