if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
