the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
