Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
