Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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