I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
nutella sex= disaster
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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