Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
