so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
