I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
