that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
