i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
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