that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize