my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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