When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Is it because I queefed?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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