Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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