Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Randomize
