i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
