I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
this just has baby written all over it
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
