Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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