Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
