I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
