I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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