Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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