Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
